smurfe
11-06-2003, 08:47
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look
down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per
second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this
phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions
and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect
hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an
object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are
sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from
the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound
will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a
treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is
particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head
may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places
simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of
self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to
achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot. This tromp l'oeil inconsistency has baffled
generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on
a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into
this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when
he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of
art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats
possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape
of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is
the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical
world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked
(usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great
velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn
characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their
operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part
will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to
fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular
proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which
cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of
the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining
a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite
quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are
attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool"
characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law),
who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine
C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of
dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look
down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per
second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this
phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions
and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect
hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an
object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are
sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from
the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound
will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a
treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is
particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head
may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places
simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of
self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to
achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot. This tromp l'oeil inconsistency has baffled
generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on
a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into
this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when
he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of
art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats
possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape
of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is
the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical
world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked
(usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great
velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn
characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their
operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part
will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to
fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular
proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which
cartoon laws hold). The process is analogous to steady-state theories of
the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining
a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite
quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are
attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool"
characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law),
who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine
C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of
dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.